Master your emotions or they will master you

[00:00:00] Penny: We’re gonna talk about something a little unsexy today, but it is something that is going to make a difference in your life. We’re gonna talk about emotions because I’m seeing some things in the online coaching space, whether it’s in groups. In short form content that I’m seeing of people that I follow, that I find detrimental

[00:00:30] our emotions are good period. In the story. Our emotions are good. People often talk about their north star, their why in. Part of that is emotion driven. Your emotions are a compass to leading a fulfilling and satisfying life. If you want to have a [00:01:00] self actual lies life, if you want to live in authenticity, then you have to become a master of your emotions.

[00:01:10] And when I say a master of your emotions, I’m not talking about controlling your outward appearance, as opposed to the way you feel on inside. I’m not talking about pushing things down and managing them. Though mastery of emotions is about managing, but it’s not about managing in a way that you are exerting control so that you are not reacting.

[00:01:38] If you find that you have to control yourself so that you are not reacting, then you are not responding to your emotions correctly, and it’s not your fault. It’s not like our parents were giving owners manuals to teach us how to help us to satisfy our emotions, [00:02:00] to help us through those moments of understanding what we’re feeling, how our circumstances and our thoughts contribute to that, so that we can just satisfied in the moment and move on and leave that moment behind us feeling completely.

[00:02:18] Neutral about it because when you have satisfied your emotions appropriately, when you look back to the past, you can be neutral about it. If it’s something that was unpleasant, you maintain what you maintained the insight. You grow from it, but it’s no longer eating at you inside now with happy emotions through desire.

[00:02:49] When we look back on memories through desire, we can tap back into that joy, the happiness, the love, the excitement, whatever it was that we were feeling.[00:03:00] We typically don’t tune into unpleasant emotions. By choice. Unless when we start thinking about something, we choose to allow ourselves to ruminate on it.

[00:03:13] Then we can, bring things back again. But if some aspect of the past, a memory of thought about something unpleasant, if it just pops into your mind, it should not trigger anger. It should not trigger things that make you feel down depressed. Grief being an exception. And I’m gonna talk about grief.

[00:03:36] This is actually going to be a long episode. It’s going to be an episode that you are going to come back and listen to again and again, I should actually charge what I’m sharing with you in this episode, because if you take it and you implement it and you use it, it will change your [00:04:00] life. I’m going to use anger as an example, because anger is a very misunderstood emotion.

[00:04:07] We think it’s bad. 

[00:04:09] We have been conditioned in society that it’s not an acceptable emotion motion that we shouldn’t feel this. The first thing I’m gonna hit on here is gratitude. Bypassing it’s. When we take a situation that was unfair, that angered us where we were wronged and we can see the silver lining, whether it was an opportunity for personal growth.

[00:04:38] We. Changed direction in our life. And it resulted in us having a much better life. Maybe we learned to be a better parent because of what happened. Maybe we learned to be a better partner, a better business person. If you’re feeling that anger and you say, you know what? I just need to [00:05:00] be grateful that.

[00:05:02] And I don’t care how you feel in the blank. If you are doing that, you are gratitude by passing. You are not dealing with the anger and that anger will come back and it will bite you in the ass. If it doesn’t bite you in the ass, in your relationships, if it doesn’t bite you in the ass, in your. decisions.

[00:05:21] If it doesn’t bite you in the ass, in your emotional and mental health, it will bite you in the ass. In your physical health anger. It has been shown in studies. Anger is more deadly than a type, a personality.

[00:05:39] I might circle back later and throw in an example. I don’t wanna get off track here, but gratitude bypassing. If you were using your silver lining to condition yourself that it’s inappropriate for you to feel anger or to push that emotion down, please stop doing that. Instead, I want you to ask [00:06:00] yourself what about this was unfair and that’s gonna tell you the next steps to take.

[00:06:06] What about this was unfair when you understand what about it was unfair? Ask yourself two questions. Number one. Is can I make fair? Making fair means going to the other person who was involved perhaps and having a conversation in letting them know how this event in the past made you feel. even if your present day self.

[00:06:31] This is a scenario. It’s not gonna be true for everyone. If your present day self can see that the person who hurt you simply didn’t know better, that they’re incapable of understanding. I don’t care that your conscious present day self says that. And part of you may be going, oh, well, I shouldn’t hurt them.

[00:06:50] They never actually meant to do it. Mm. Go have that conversation. You can do it from a place of peace and say, [00:07:00] you know what? I’m just looking to move on. I, don’t currently Harbor any ill feelings, but I want to just be able to clear this off my plate. and move on from it and start fresh and have a conversation.

[00:07:14] If you can have that conversation without being attached to them saying, I’m sorry. Do that, if you go into it being attached to them saying, I’m sorry, then, it can just end up fueling that anger. The goal of the process is to gain some insight from this person, because as you talk about what hurt you more than likely you’re going to become emotional.

[00:07:42] And when you become emotional, your subconscious is activated. And if you can have that conversation and get that insight, 

[00:07:48] it can literally knock the leg right out from under that table. So something to consider there, if it is a situation [00:08:00] where this person, so totally hasn’t changed and you are aware that if I address this, it is going to turn into a huge, ugly mess. It’s not anything I want to bring into my life. Then there’s a process of forgiveness to consider.

[00:08:17] And in forgiveness, you want to allow this insight to occur in your forgiveness process. And this is just for you. They know nothing about it. You’re never gonna tell them about it. You would never give them the benefit of knowing that you have given yourself this gift, because they’re gonna twist it around and they’re gonna, they’re gonna ma make it about them.

[00:08:41] Right? One of the ways that I recommend to people who aren’t doing one on one, work with me. To go through this forgiveness process is to do a journaling process. Like a lot of people write the letter, they burn it and all of these things, but there is no insight [00:09:00] in that process unless you’ve worked with a counselor, a therapist, and they’ve given you advanced journaling techniques.

[00:09:08] So what I tell people to do is to imagine you’re having the conversation with this. and you pour it all out. One paper you want to use pen and paper or pencil and paper do not type it. Do not use your iPad. You want the, stimulation that comes from the energy that you expend physically to write this out and you’re just gonna dig into.

[00:09:37] You hurt me when you made me think you made me feel and just begin to pour that emotion out. If you allow yourself to tap into that emotion, what is going to happen is randomly things that you totally forgot about. Totally forgot about. At the time when it happened was really a [00:10:00] thorn in your side, these things are gonna come up and you pour that emotion out and then allow yourself to sit and ponder what happened in this person’s life that this whole thing transpired, because somewhere along the way, We picked up misperceptions.

[00:10:25] We had interpretations that what this person did was about us and in the coaching industry, if you’re familiar with anything, you’re familiar with the concept that, what comes out of someone has everything to do with them. And it’s not about us. I don’t care if your father was an abusive asshole.

[00:10:49] When he was abusing, it had nothing to do with you. However, when we are younger, when we don’t have a [00:11:00] lifetime of context and experience and understanding to know these things, our subconscious mind, and an attempt to rationalize and to find a way to protect us and to safeguard us starts making assumptions.

[00:11:15] It’s trying to define what’s happening because it wants to protect us. Sometimes it makes the wrong assumption. Not because we did anything bad or wrong, but because we didn’t have enough information. How many times, if you tried to solve a problem, when there was not enough information as an adult, you can go, you know what?

[00:11:36] I don’t have enough information when we are younger childhood adolescents, we cannot do that. Okay. So clearly if we had a father who was an abusive asshole, maybe he drank too much. Maybe he ran around on mom. Maybe he could never keep a job who knows. It doesn’t matter. Something [00:12:00] happened that triggered all of that because nobody wants.

[00:12:07] To be that person. Nobody, when they’re five years old, thinks to themselves, I want to grow up and be a horrible person. If you can allow yourself that insight while you’re in this emotional state. And then you say, you know what, it’s time to let this go. And then begin journaling with the words I

[00:12:29] forgive you because I’m worthy. Of the freedom that forgiveness is gonna give me. I forgive you because yeah, you just simply didn’t know any better and I’m no longer gonna leak my personal power over it. And you keep going with the, I forgive you because you just keep putting ending on it after ending on it, after ending on it until you have poured everything outta your soul, and then just let it be done at that point.

[00:12:56] If you wanna burn it by all means burn.[00:13:00] But know this. If you have a pattern with a person where they just repeatedly over and over, things just kept happening, there might be a part of you that has connected with your, present day anger. As being a protective mechanism, sometimes our subconscious mind won’t reveal everything that we need to let go, and it will hold onto some of those nuggets.

[00:13:32] So what will happen is your anger will be greatly minimized, but it, won’t be gone. That’s where having the benefit. A professional like myself who is well versed in emotions and the patterns and the beliefs and the protective mechanisms that the brain puts in place that will allow you to move forward from this point, because we can see here and [00:14:00] recognize the patterns.

[00:14:02] and the subconscious moments that reveal, oh, there’s something else there. Basically, even in hypnosis, you can have blind spots and a great hypnotist will reveal those blind spots so that you can move past them, shine the light and let it go. But this is a great way to take care of. When I work with clients, here are some things I want you to know about anger specifically.

[00:14:37] One is that in women, a lot of times we identify our anger as sadness because when we were much younger, we were taught. Little girls shouldn’t be angry. It’s not nice to be angry. It doesn’t look pretty. It doesn’t look nice. And this is gonna depend on your age as to whether or not you heard those terms.

[00:14:57] Growing up in the deep south in [00:15:00] the seventies, a phrase I often heard was pretty is, is pretty does, and that meant don’t be angry. Be seen, not heard. . It matters what other people think. There are a lot of things that get rolled into that one. Right? So a lot of times as women, we think we feel sad when we’re really angry because sad is an acceptable emotion.

[00:15:27] ? Sad is acceptable for. A lot of men, you’re taught that you have to manage that anger. You have to stuff it down. You can’t let, ’em see you be weak. You have to manage it. When I hear someone say that they have to manage their anger, I know that what they have to do is set themselves free from something in the past, because there was some moment where something triggered.

[00:15:55] The mechanism that this is unfair and anger is the [00:16:00] fight in fight or flight. Your brain is not willingly going to let go of old anger. If it believes it’s protecting you. It’s a process. And here’s what I can tell you is that you can be free of it. This is one of the most rewarding aspects of the work that I do.

[00:16:21] And it is the one thing that changed my personal life because I had anger. I was using that silver lining. I was gratitude. Bypassing. I have experience with this. I know exactly what it looks like when I see it. I was gratitude, bypass it like crazy and did not realize that anger was eating me up alive until my emotional health hit the wall 80 miles an hour.

[00:16:52] There’s a whole podcast episode on that, sometimes that anger is at ourselves and that’s okay [00:17:00] too. There’s a way to resolve that as well. But in your day to day life, as you’re going through your day and something is unfair and it makes you angry. The first thing you do is say, okay, what’s causing me to feel angry and maybe Bob didn’t reply to your email.

[00:17:19] You wanted to reply within 24 hours and Bob has not replied to your email and you’re instantly angry. Well, is that really unfair? Do you have enough information, . So you might spike off with that anger and you’re like, you know what? I sent that on Monday morning and it’s really not fair because.

[00:17:41] Bob is a project manager. He probably came in and had a hundred emails in his inbox. Right. Maybe he just didn’t get to it yet. So should I really be angry? No. Let me send a follow up email. Boom. Anger is satisfied. Now take that same [00:18:00] scenario, And. you’re like, okay, let me send a follow up email.

[00:18:05] Then Bob emails you back. And Bob says, you know what? I think that this really isn’t a priority. So I just put it in my procrastinate folder. I’ll get to it next week. Well, I think most reasonable people would’ve emailed back and said, you know, this isn’t a priority for me right now. Do you really have to have a, like, there would’ve been some kind of communication, right?

[00:18:30] Well, that is unfair, right? It’s a little unfair that he just tabled it without communication. So how do you satisfy that? I would go straight to Bob and say, you know what? Let’s work on our communication. I can understand it’s not a priority for you. However, I was expecting an answer today. If you had let me know yesterday, It’s not a priority for you.

[00:18:55] I could have adjusted accordingly. So what can we [00:19:00] do? So this does not happen again because this has inconvenienced me in X, Y, Z way. And how do we move forward? Now if Bob’s a real jerk, something else may ensue after that. But that’s the way you address that in a healthy way. It should satisfy the anger.

[00:19:21] If you address the person and you come to a satisfactory resolution. this podcast isn’t about, conflict management, but I think you get the idea of what I’m. If you found out that it was an oversight with Bob. Say it was an oversight and you were seething and you were stewing over it and you’re thinking, God, this happened again.

[00:19:46] This always happens. Why do these things keep happening to me? Ho, ho ho. What you’re feeling is you’re triggered in the present moment. , but there is stuff that you need to let go that you are [00:20:00] still caring with you. That’s a sign. If you have an interaction with someone and you find in that interaction, that the enormity of your emotions exceeds the situation that you’re in, that you are overreacting, that you were triggered, that you reacted, you didn’t respond, there’s work to do there.

[00:20:20] That does not have to happen. Can be free of that. If you’re experiencing sadness, what have you lost? If you’re feeling guilt, what have you done that you need to make fair about? Sometimes when we feel guilty, feeling that we’ve done something wrong, sometimes come to find out the other person didn’t perceive it that way at all.

[00:20:44] We’re judging ourselves through our own lens. are fear, like worry, nervousness, having these repeating thoughts of irrational fears, ask yourself what is there for me to be afraid of. If there’s [00:21:00] nothing for you to be afraid of begin to retrain your mind. This is simply your thoughts running outta control.

[00:21:06] Learn to manage your thoughts. Stop your thoughts. Sometimes we feel like we have to hold onto fear. We can look back and we can see something that we were afraid in the moment.

[00:21:20] And we hold onto that fear. It’s like, it becomes a part of our identity. Well, if you wanna move forward and be happy and successful and fulfilled, you have to let that go. You have to reframe that. And that has to take place subconscious. If you’re holding onto that as part of your identity, that is where the subconscious work comes in.

[00:21:43] We can afraid that we’re not gonna be good enough that we’re not gonna be smart enough that people may find that we’re a fraud in business because we don’t give ourselves as much credit for being as good as other people see that we are. We’ve made . A decision in business in the [00:22:00] past where it ended up in a really bad business deal.

[00:22:03] And that business deal emotionally shook us so bad that now every decision we make is through the lens of what if, what if, what if I screw this up again? How do I avoid getting in another business deal like that? See when our brain puts emotional importance on. So. It’s gonna hold onto it. There are a lot of subconscious techniques. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with affirmations. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with scripting. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with generic hypnosis audios. Those things are all great until we hit the level of the protective mechanism and without a guide to facilitate you through the release of those things.

[00:22:49] Our mind it’s it’s, it’s gonna hold on to what it deems important. And if you wanna set yourself free so that you can unlock your full [00:23:00] potential and move forward, you have to tame that inner dialogue and our inner dialogue triggers, emotions, emotions trigger further internal dialogue. And this is where the spiral comes in.

[00:23:13] And when we hit a spiral, a lot of things can happen. We can throw ourselves into our work. We can throw ourselves into exercise. We can throw ourselves into gambling. We can throw ourselves into drinking. We can throw ourselves into overeating. It can look like a lot of different things, right. So if you’re distracting away from your feelings, I encourage you to reflect on everything that I’ve shared in this episode.

[00:23:42] Listen to it again and again, because each time you listen, I guarantee you will have further revelations about yourself, about the way you think about the way you react, whether it’s in business or your personal life, and allow these things to begin to [00:24:00] unravel. if you were someone who has been in the work, if you’ve worked with coaches, If you’ve worked with therapists and you feel like you are 80 to 90% of the way there, but there is just this little thing.

[00:24:16] There’s one little thing that you can’t seem to put your finger on that you feel like if that one little thing moved and shifted that it would unlock a whole new world for you. I want you to reach out. We are gonna put the link in the show notes. I want you to apply for a call with me and let’s see if there is something that I can do to help you to unlock this and shift it.

[00:24:42] And that if we’re a fit to work together, you do not need to be ruled. By your emotions, your emotions are important. Your emotions are good. They’re telling you how to fulfill yourself. They’re letting you [00:25:00] know when you are out of alignment with what it is that you need.

[00:25:05] The problem comes in when we don’t know how to properly manage them in the moment. And when we have a backpack full of rocks. From the past that we carry around us every day. If you wanna put down that backpack full of rocks and get on your way, click the link, fill out the application. I always have some availability, even though it’s limited, just reach out.

[00:25:32] Let’s see how we can work together. Have a great week.

Listen to Episode 21 here!

Want to work with me to start the work at managing your emotions, sign up for a call here.

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